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| All about physical appearance |
Honing in on the honesty button, let’s cut the crap.
Readers, you know I’m no new baby. I’m so dry behind the ears if I walk in
front of a fan a dust storm follows. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for my
kids to be "Dirty Dans"—they’re far too young. Besides, my crumbling skin
fragments have nothing to do with cleanliness, just plain old simple aging. And
I’m even exaggerating when I describe that to you. Still, answer this for me:
Why do teens, in the prime of opposite sex attraction, insist on faking their
showers? I don’t get it, but let me explain and perhaps you can fill me in.
Yesterday, my 13-year-old’s hair pokes out in every
direction, and without an attempt to replicate Johnny Depp’s Edward Scissorhands character. He wakes
up like that and assumes it’s stylish, I guess. Of course I don’t want to
consider pure laziness. “Cameron,” I say, “You’ve got to take a shower today
for the love of mankind! If you don’t, you can’t go anywhere with me.” He shuffles
into the bathroom, I hear the water run, the radio goes on, and this continues
for about 45 minutes. (Remember that amount of time.)
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| Kinda' cute -- from a distance |
When he exits, his hair has damp spots on it as if he
dribbled water over certain spots. I hugged him and took a whiff. “We don’t
have a dog,” I say, “But I can smell a wet dog in here somewhere. Did you
really shower?”
“Yes, I showered!” Defensively, he pulls back with an
expression of disbelief, and continues, “I’m not going with you when you’re
acting like this.”
Wait a cotton-picking minute! What’s happening here? I go
into the bathroom and one side of the tub is wet, but not the wall. The mirror
is foggy, but the towel is dry. Dumbfounded, I go to the only source possible
to gather necessary information in childrearing—Facebook. You can find answers
to anything on there! I asked my friends what the dealio is and how to handle
it. One said her son covers himself in cologne to mask the scent. (This
explains the wafting aromas in Walmart.) Another says her brothers used to go
to the extent of bringing dirt into the bathroom, via their pockets, emptying
it into the tub and attempting to pass it off as dirt from their bodies. As if their
bodies are clean after, right?
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| Sibling Imitation |
This whole thought provocative moment puzzles me
considerably. 45 minutes in the restroom pretending! I explain to my son
calmly, while he continues to insist he’s showered, if he really wants to pull
it off he needs to wet the walls and the towel. By the time he pulls this charade
off successfully, he could have taken three showers and felt like a Fruit
Roll-up from being so squeaky clean. When he offers his armpit to me for a test
run, I sucker into sniffing, knowing full well I’m asking for it. But there it
is—the canine rolled in a pigpen smell, with fragrant lime scent to top it off.
(Thank you, Old Spice Aqua Reef, for
that extra fresh fruity manure aroma.)
So someone please explain the thinking behind this, and tell
me if I can look forward to this from my ten-year-old daughter, with periods
added in. Calgon, take me away!
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