The Write Woman Kills her Kids for Fun (39 Days to Go)

The female light of my life's birthday

Before I go into our explosive weekend and how I killed my kids, I've gotta tell you it certainly wasn't an easy task. These kids are full of energy! If you've ever been a single parent, you understand how difficult keeping up with them when you have your own things to do. You'd think with being on my own for nine years I'd have a handle on it, wouldn't you? But in case you don't have kids, let me tell you a secret -- "You will learn as almost as much as each child," as long as you bother to teach them. Every child learns a varied way, with a distinct skill set and it's up to sleuthing parents to find out what that skill set is and use it to educate your child, all while balancing your own responsibilities at the same time.

My kids are virtually opposite of each other in every way imaginable, except their father's birthdays are five years and one day apart (27th and 28th of September), and both of their given names are nicknames (Dave and Dan). My kids' birthdays come almost exactly six months apart either way, with my son's in January and my daughter's in July, four and a half years apart. Pretty weird, right? Their fathers are opposite, though. One slaves outside in a 70+ hour a week job outdoors and will do anything for his kid. The other, a white collar worker, has chosen no contact at all. The reason I bring this up is by describing the differences between the two personalities I have to juggle at home. The good news, thank goodness, is that both of my children are brilliant, although my son is entering his teen years and finally believes me when I tell him I don't know everything. In fact, now I must prove I'm right half the time, so he'll listen. It wasn't always like that. When we went to Disneyland, Universal Studios, and California Adventure Park, they both listened well, thank Heaven. I even wrote a commercial for school concerning Universal Studios. Here it is:

Universal Studios Script

Video	Audio
EXPLOSION FILLS SCREEN	Sound of eruption
SMOKE CLEARS DISPLAYING UNIVERSAL STUDIOS LOGO/ “SECRET” STAMPS ACROSS THE FRONT IN RED	A trumpet plays a royal introduction and then Female VO “Hollywood has a secret.”
PAGE TEARS DOWN FROM UPPER LEFT CORNER TO SHOW FAMILIES ENTER THE PARK PAST THE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS GATEWAY W/EXCITEMENT. ONE FAMILY OF TEEN BOY, ELEMENTARY GIRL AND PARENTS, STANDS OUT.	Female VO continues. “You may have been to Universal Studios, but have you joined Universal Studios on a real set?”
“VIP” STAMPS YELLOW IN LOWER RIGHT	Female VO “Now you can with the VIP Universal Studio Exclusive Tour.”
PATRONS, INCLUDE OUR FAMILY, CLIMB OFF THE TROLLEY/ENTER SET. FEMALE SMILES @ PATRONS W/UPRIGHT SWISH OF HER PALM
A SCENE ROLLS WITH FIRE AND POLICE CARS SITUATED. PEOPLE RUN FROM THE BUILDING AS A BURST OF FLAMES ERUPTS.	Actors panicky scream until the director yells, “Cut! That’s a wrap, people.”
OUR FAMILY BOARDS THE TROLLEY DISHEVELED. HAIR POKES UP, FACES SMEARED WITH SOOT. CLOTHING WRINKLED AND TATTERED. THEY SMILE.
MODEL WAVES GOOD-BYE TO THE TROLLEY. FAMILY WAVES BACK AND THEN SMILES WIDE. KIDS GIVE EACH OTHER A HIGH FIVE.
CU OF MODEL TALKING	Model says, “Your life will never be the same.”
CU OF MODEL WINKING/SMILING	Music grows louder
BURST OF FLAMES SWALLOW PIC	Explosion

 And your kids will drain you. They expect you to keep up with their energy levels and then have enough left over to cook meals, clean house, go to their soccer games, and still do you job/attend school, etc. My daughter isn't happy that I refuse to date -- Ain't nobody got time fer dat!

It's my job, as a parent, to ensure she feels a lot of love for her birthday, because she is the one whose

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

father has elected not to participate.  Her birthday was Friday, but her big brother had soccer games spread from 10 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., so alternatives needed to be made. Wednesday we went to the zoo. They've totally redone the whole thing and despite it's increase in size, with the setup and added foliage the atmosphere somehow gives a more personal experience.

My daughter's ice cream cake got picked up between the games. After the games on Friday, at 9:00 p.m. we went to a drive-in with a few soccer kids and saw Pixels (2015). And yes, the film was just as disappointing as it looked in commercials, but we had fun. We had our blankets and chairs out, stereos cranked, when one boy threw up a few times. Someone pulled in 3/4 of the way through the movie and parked right in front of us in a big truck. No one could see, so I walked up and politely explained this to the man, his wife, and little baby. Okay, I didn't explain it to the little baby. But he apologized and moved his truck. When I came back, the boys were saying, "What did you say?" My writing skills kicked in and I made up a terrible lie about how I threatened him. They thought I was cool for a second, until I told them the truth and wrapped it up with how violence doesn't solve anything. I believe I slipped a few notches on their deity ladder.

Yesterday, we spent our final birthday bash at Boondocks, a family game park. We got to do a lot of things I haven't done since the horrible car accident nearly a decade ago! We bowled, raced go-carts, played video games, experienced a game of laser tag, and Cameron got a gusher bloody nose when we miniature golfed. We had a blast! This is them after they went on the boats at night, shooting water pistols at each other.

... and I got to watch from a dry standpoint

You may be asking yourself how I killed my kids with love, as the title expresses. As denoted above, I'm not always 100% on the nose when I speak, so I can't say I've literally killed them. But I can say that it's after nine o'clock in the morning and they're still not up. I very well may have killed them with love. There's probably no better way to go. And the memories are forever -- that's not something you can ever buy at the store.

So as a single mother, sometimes it's necessary to pull out all the stops and say, "Screw it! We deserve a great time!" And then do it.

95 Freakin’ Days? Are you Kidding? (That's right!)

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m graduating in less than 100 days! My life will change dramatically when I graduate. I’ll lose all my school friends—well, maybe the real friends will continue being my friends, right? At least that’s what everybody says. It would be nice to actually meet my friends though. So that brings me to graduation day, which is September 4, 2015. It’s also my final birthday of being able to say I’m forty-something, which is pretty much what I do now. That way I’ve got the slight chance they’ll think I’m 45ish. But I’ve heard terrible things about graduation and the way the whole scheduley thing changes. No, I don’t think “scheduley thing” is correct. Yes, I’m a writer. But I think being a professional writer should allow me some deliberate breaks in writing. Being perfect is a hard criteria to live up to, and everyone needs a break from perfection. Even me!

            This past week, my kids and I lived off of two bags of flour, a large package of grated cheese, Italian seasoning, a package of diced ham, two gallons of milk, ½ container of oatmeal, 4 packages of spaghetti noodles, and 8 jars of spaghetti sauce. Think this is a lot? Let me tell you, I skipped at least one meal every day, and sometimes two. The good news is, my appetite has dwindled. The bad news? When I don’t eat, my teeny-tiny daughter won’t either. And I hear you saying, “Why don’t you fake it?” You can’t fake eating! Faking orgasms, I can do that. But that won’t help the situation much.

Our trip will DEFINITELY be more eventful than the Griswold's

            So I was talking to my friend today on the phone and I mentioned going to Winter Park, Florida for graduation. Flying is way expensive, and by the time I could afford the tickets they’d be sending my urn. Granted it would be less expensive, but it would sort of defeat the purpose. I figured a road trip might be fun! See the countryside, see  America’s biggest ball of string, or the smallest house. I’m not sure what we’d find, but it would be a stretch from what my kids are used to. Five years ago, we went to California and had the time of our lives at Disneyland. Doing that again, on the opposite coast, would be incredible! Putting up with the kids for 2,310.9 miles one-way? Could be another story.

            Today we went to Costco to renew my membership, thinking that I’ll start working soon and will need to save money. They asked me if I wanted to keep my executive account. I don’t really get why I said “yes,” but I did. Turns out, when I had my account 5 years ago, they still had my info. on file. Apparently, they’d tried to send me my yearly refund and it was returned. Guess how I paid for my membership renewal? Yeah! Basically, it was free! Strange how that works.

The cheapest and tastiest pizza EVER!

            I invented this new sort of pizza last night. The night before, with all my snazzy ingredients, I made homemade ravioli. (But a much simpler version.) That’s right, I made dough and everything, and then stuffed it with cream cheese and mozzarella. Yummy! When I was finished, I had some dough left over and was afraid to throw it out. I opened the practically empty fridge last night and found two strips of half frozen ravioli dough. Pulling it out, I rolled it so thin I could have rolled a doobie with it. Did I say “doobie”? The dough was paper thin, I tell you. I used the homemade rice paper, spread with tomato sauce, diced ham, coated with cheese and baked it for 7 minutes. I made a cracker pizza that was smokin’ good. (And that’s just old school talk.)

            But tonight I did some investing in The Film Scene. We were supposed to watch Avengers:

"You up all night to Loki? I'm up all night to get Thor!"

Age of Ultron. Magnificent movie that caught my attention at the beginning when they all hit a slo-mo moment overlaid while fighting. The show was nearly 2.5 hours, but worth every single second. The only thing my simple little mind isn’t particularly fond of is the absence of Pepper, and the addition of four new characters. Now I’m aware of comics enough to be aware the X-men and the Avengers have thousands of characters in their house, but following them all in one show can be so confusing! And what of the Incredible Hulk? Sure, he’s green, but the Widow wants him. I’m not sure I’d get involved with someone named Black Widow, but I’m not going to hold it against him. The ultimate bad guy was played by non other than James Spader, but I didn't find out 'til the credits at the end, and boy, was I surprised. The Avenger that makes me giddy is heavenly Thor. Good night! And it is late, so I bid you adieu.